Slowly Healing.

But is it worth it any more? not that I ever had any control over it in the first place... But constantly falling apart over what I knew in my own mind was nothing much at all. Is exhausting on most levels. I am gradually restoring myself to the version I missed. Fully upgraded with a spine and everything. I cannot say it will never happen again, but I hope that the frequency will get lower and I will just overall not be as volatile. It is mild torture having a an aspect of your personality that is false, especially when it one that makes you feel so useless.

It can't be fixed
only dealt with
I have to laugh on my own two feet
Realize that it will never change
only lead me in a trap of delicious lies

You, So conflicted,so unsure of yourself underneath it all and terrified purely of what lies within your heart, you need not be. Let me in. Because I let you in, and you will never appreciate how hard that was, simply because you will never know.

Shit may happen, but life happens more.

I don't think I realised just how much I cared about you until this week happened. You may have betrayed me, but even at that point. Your heart was in the right place even if your mind wasn't. You even said to me that it was the most difficult thing you have ever done and that I can only be glad about. Because catching you do it left a gash quite deep. You said it hurt you to watch me walk away from you, which I am also glad about. This will take a while... But then you helped me, you helped me by making me feel like you needed me, like I was your last hope and as upset and angry as I was that meant a lot, I know you hate feeling weak, but I am weak so much of the time that it had to be my turn to be there for you this time. Feeling needed is the one thing that will always make me feel complete as fucked as that is. And while you also had me scared you would do something really stupid it was lovely to realise that you are in fact human. And the reason I am still here and haven't as you put it ''killed you'' yet, is that I am giving you what I would expect of off you, which is acceptance. No matter what state I am in. And remember that you will have that from me always. And never feel like you should hold back with things like that around me. Obviously I will never force anything from you. But I will never expect you to be strong all the time. Only to be there as much as you can. You said that you don't like showing that side of yourself to people because you need to be stronger than that to survive in this world, which is a profoundly valid point. But the one person who should be the exception to that is me. I will never think less of you for it.

Fresh Starts.

So the solution I last referred to happened. Happened to me in the manner of slow ferry, a gradual developed manner with a huge and unmistakable out come. Which is was and I hope always will be amazing.
I am aware that it has been a while for this but then I am not to sure anyone even uses this site anymore for it's primary purpose. But main reasoning for not being on here as much I may have previously been where purely that my mind at one point or another couldn't handle trying to put its thought processes into strings of words otherwise known as sentences. But it is safe to say that words never left me, they may have head their moments of absence. But I don't think they ever truly where, like a death angel guardian watching over me, and simply not allowing me to convey any ideas or suggestions that could later be misinterpreted as any kind of plea for forgiveness, because I can guarantee that I still do not really care that much. You will never know of your potential and that saddens me slightly. You seem to be quite content in your little world of hatred and grudges. And I really hope that you discover more.

As a newly established 18 year old young woman. I wish anyone who actually reads this the best happiness and fortune they deserve in their life.

Anarchy and Insanity xoxo