I Hate The Media.

Having noticed my perception of most things become quite altered as of recent date, I thought I would have a good old fashioned rant.

1) Comparing your situation to that of others; we all do it, and it's made simpler by having everyone you ever even spoke to posting their lives on an app on your phone. It's human nature but for the love of god I miss knowing what my own authentic opinions are. It's all well and good saying that you can spend some time on your own, reading meditating or doing anything else so damn composed but even then; I'm fairly convinced that my opinions would manage to be filtered though something I had seen on any of these social networking sites that I hate myself for being a part of.

2)People, including me; all actually believe that we were and are immune to the brainwashing process that is current social media. When the sad fact is, we are not. Some may have been more affected than others but it got to everyone in some way, and continues to.

3) Things like double standards, overt offensiveness and general bad taste seem to overrun anything I even briefly glance at, almost as if it's not funny or worthy of anything if someone won't be upset by it's broadcast. (I will at this point highlight that this as well as probably this whole post is comprised of generalisations I believe to be relatable, not fact.) As an example of this I saw an article the other day entitled ''7 reasons date a woman with an Eating Disorder'', words simply cannot illustrate how upset and angry that made me. I don't for a second think that monitoring the internet would help anything, however I really don't want to keep coming across that sort of thing, especially on a site as with so many young impressionable people using it.

4) Do I even need to say this one? Advertising. So many companies are buying out space on sites like facebook ect, that it's a wonder if anything we see on our news feed/profile is actually what we followed upon creating the account as apposed to yet more brainwashing material. This one strangely enough ties the whole rant together quite neatly. Make-up, clothing, hair products and other such like matter, tend to have a concept structure to them; the promise or suggestion of something about your life improving as soon as you own or use said product. OR the more dangerous one; Some model who has been so airbrushed she is no longer a version of human I am familiar with, and is probably covered in absurdly expensive merchandise. All in all leads to a fairly clouded first idea of what life should be like don't you think?

What Can We Expect To Expect From People?

I've been seeing a common thing happening recently; for the purpose of this it refers to relationships ending or suddenly becoming hard work, however more broadly it could simply apply to fear.

Just two nights ago, I watched my close friend come apart over her boyfriend of two years and then some deciding he didn't know if he wanted her anymore. It seemed incredibly surreal that I felt as helpless watching her have a meltdown as she probably did going through it, watching all of her previous mental health problems and fears that had seemed to be getting better completely possess her, after all his ''not knowing'' pushing her over the edge she finally decided to officially end it she then went and had sex with a guy, the day after...

Everyone demonizes this act as a dangerous thing to want or go though with, I personally would try to avoid it that soon, but I more than understand that being what you may desire; after the person who always wanted you no matter what you looked like, always looked after you and made you smile and a cup of tea when you were upset is ''unsure'' if they love you anymore. I have never thankfully had to go through this one particular type of hurt before. But I know watching her almost completely dissolve into a 5 year old delusional violent mess tore me up, my stunning, tall, charismatic, compassionate friend who I am now running out of adjectives for; reduced to a person I would try to get admitted if I didn't already know her; Fear does some seemingly impossible things to the human mind, can alter your entire personality even.

My seemingly favourite fear is fear or cause of self sabotage, recently the most amazing person came into my life, and now I really hope never walks back out again; because he proved me wrong, it can be easy, maybe not effortless but there is never a day I'm with him that I'm not made to feel appreciated and a while ago I didn't think I would ever even experience it.

O&O

Are we all the same?

Comparing ourselves, comparing others, highlighting mistakes or behavior we disprove of in our own actions, thoughts or in others. Redefining ourselves over and over again until finally, we might just be happy, I always envied those people who walk around in a midst of despair, who seem to even then, let nothing affect them; They still smile simply because they're alive. Not me, that is of course far to easy, I am sat here, an over tired fragile, over sensitive mess worrying about my own perception, of love, happiness, intimacy and all that stuff that normally only seems to terrify men. See, I have this problem. I can't be emotionally attached to someone, and still be happy so it seems and I only thought that this was in the instance of my trust having been betrayed by said person involved, turns out it's not, it's when they're nothing but perfect.... near enough all the time as well.(I mean hey, we're all only human some people will always post emoticons as statuses on facebook every so often)

Truth be known, I hate cyber space, specifically texting, I wouldn't be here if I hated all of it. The main reason for this is that I do it far to much but never cease to be completely annoyed by how easily someone can misinterpret what you send them simply through lack of facial expression, vocal tone and if you're really flamboyant; Hand gestures. And the worst part, how easy it is to get carried way with channeling any emotion to enthusiastically, bizarely I have noticed that love and anger are the two most dangerous emotions to play with in this medium, when I get really bad I tend to just stop talking to whoever it is for fear of really offending them or starting an argument.

Also only realized how much being compared to someone actually can hurt in the right (or wrong) context. I did exactly that to someone a while back and having had it done back to me I am as sorry for it as I can possibly be.

Slowly Healing.

But is it worth it any more? not that I ever had any control over it in the first place... But constantly falling apart over what I knew in my own mind was nothing much at all. Is exhausting on most levels. I am gradually restoring myself to the version I missed. Fully upgraded with a spine and everything. I cannot say it will never happen again, but I hope that the frequency will get lower and I will just overall not be as volatile. It is mild torture having a an aspect of your personality that is false, especially when it one that makes you feel so useless.

It can't be fixed
only dealt with
I have to laugh on my own two feet
Realize that it will never change
only lead me in a trap of delicious lies

You, So conflicted,so unsure of yourself underneath it all and terrified purely of what lies within your heart, you need not be. Let me in. Because I let you in, and you will never appreciate how hard that was, simply because you will never know.

Shit may happen, but life happens more.

I don't think I realised just how much I cared about you until this week happened. You may have betrayed me, but even at that point. Your heart was in the right place even if your mind wasn't. You even said to me that it was the most difficult thing you have ever done and that I can only be glad about. Because catching you do it left a gash quite deep. You said it hurt you to watch me walk away from you, which I am also glad about. This will take a while... But then you helped me, you helped me by making me feel like you needed me, like I was your last hope and as upset and angry as I was that meant a lot, I know you hate feeling weak, but I am weak so much of the time that it had to be my turn to be there for you this time. Feeling needed is the one thing that will always make me feel complete as fucked as that is. And while you also had me scared you would do something really stupid it was lovely to realise that you are in fact human. And the reason I am still here and haven't as you put it ''killed you'' yet, is that I am giving you what I would expect of off you, which is acceptance. No matter what state I am in. And remember that you will have that from me always. And never feel like you should hold back with things like that around me. Obviously I will never force anything from you. But I will never expect you to be strong all the time. Only to be there as much as you can. You said that you don't like showing that side of yourself to people because you need to be stronger than that to survive in this world, which is a profoundly valid point. But the one person who should be the exception to that is me. I will never think less of you for it.

Fresh Starts.

So the solution I last referred to happened. Happened to me in the manner of slow ferry, a gradual developed manner with a huge and unmistakable out come. Which is was and I hope always will be amazing.
I am aware that it has been a while for this but then I am not to sure anyone even uses this site anymore for it's primary purpose. But main reasoning for not being on here as much I may have previously been where purely that my mind at one point or another couldn't handle trying to put its thought processes into strings of words otherwise known as sentences. But it is safe to say that words never left me, they may have head their moments of absence. But I don't think they ever truly where, like a death angel guardian watching over me, and simply not allowing me to convey any ideas or suggestions that could later be misinterpreted as any kind of plea for forgiveness, because I can guarantee that I still do not really care that much. You will never know of your potential and that saddens me slightly. You seem to be quite content in your little world of hatred and grudges. And I really hope that you discover more.

As a newly established 18 year old young woman. I wish anyone who actually reads this the best happiness and fortune they deserve in their life.

Anarchy and Insanity xoxo

Don't you hate it when you have a problem, which you could easily guess a fairly good solution for. But being either way to guarded or proud is stopping you from possibly pursuing said solution.